Tucker’s Luck (y To Even Be Asked For His Opinion On The Matter, If You Ask Us)

For days after the Jon Stewart/Jim Cramer discomfort-fest, as one might expect, the US news networks were falling over themselves to get people chattering inanely about it. One of the people all too willing to chip in on CNN’s ‘Reliable Sources’ show was former CNN pundit Tucker Carlson. Now, Carlson has a bit of previous with Jon Stewart, with the following exchange having taken place on an episode of Carlson’s CNN show ‘Crossfire’ in 2004. Tucker Carlson is the 35 year old man wearing a bow tie, and for the eight people on the internet who haven’t seen this clip before, it’s pretty much like the ‘away fixture’ of Stewart/Cramer:

 

An invited CNN crowd applauding someone criticising the network for failing to pay due attention to actual journalism, there. You may have noted judicious use of the term “partisan hackery” by Jon Stewart, too.

Carlson failed to come up with a decent comeback at the time, but he is a wily man. He went away. He licked his wounds. He schemed. He plotted. He waited for the right moment. Then, just five years later, he pounced!

 

KA-KOW!

“He criticized Obama's budget, and that's what started this, because in the end, Jon Stewart is a partisan hack.”

Yeah! I know you are but what am I? It’s the American remake of Piers Morgan running endless pleas in the Daily Mirror for dirt on Ian Hislop, only to come up short and end up panting pathetically like a man trying to punch down an elephant. Ah, there’s nothing quite like letting a grudge simmer for half a decade, then lacking the perspicacity to get that point across when the opportunity finally arises. Trust us, we find that out the hard way at least three times per day, such is the length of our enemies list.

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Unexciting Chart Of The Day

According to MediaGuardian, the first episode of Horne & Corden was a huge hit, attracting 817,000 viewers to the opening show of their heavily promoted sketch-based comedy. Six days later, the same website declares Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle to have “started poorly”, after it gathered just, erm, 1.1million viewers.

Now, despite the former being on BBC Three, and the latter being on BBC Two, our stance is that this hardly matters when it comes to these two shows. Horne & Corden was surfing into our living rooms on a wave of heavy promotion, with trailers on all channels, interviews on Radios One, Two and Six, not to mention Gavin and Stacey still being fresh in everyone’s memory and the pair having recently hosted The Brit Awards. Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle, starring Stewart “Not Really Been On Telly For Ten Years” Lee, reputedly had a few trailers put out (although we’ve not actually seen one of them on our television), and some broadsheet interviews with Lee (some of which were also conducted by Lee himself).

So, with what we’re saying is a level playing ground between the two programmes, and us just having found the overnights for the second episode of Horne and Corden, it’s time for a chart that doesn’t have a lot of information in it.

Not very (or remotely) interesting so far, but rest assured we’re going to be filling this in week by week to measure the respective fortunes of the two comedy offerings. It’ll be like an advent calendar that you don’t have to wait until December for.

(Note: we haven’t got around to watching H&C episode two yet, so we’re not going to make any claim as to the quality of it yet. We’ve come up with a new yardstick to measure the quality of it, so expect a full breakdown of it soon.)

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Lesbian Vampire Killers vs The Boys In Blue

With their show largely consisting of jokes based on the differing body shapes of the pair, stereotypically camp gay characters and characters from popular culture transplanted into comically unsuitable movie franchises, it’s fair to say the antics of Horne and Corden could be equally at home in the Saturday night schedule of ITV from the early 1980s. With this in mind we’ve come up with a new yardstick for measuring the success of BBC Three’s flagship comedy show. It’s time for:

How it works: Take the first five skits from a 2009 sketch show. Take the first five sketches from an ITV pre-watershed comedy show from the 1980s. Each sketch faces off against each other, with the better of the two receiving one ‘point’. After five sketches from each have been measured, we have our winner. Simple. Effective. Most importantly, quite easy to do. Tonight:

Horne & Corden, episode 2, series one (BBC Three, 2009)
vs
Cannon & Ball, unknown episode from series six (LWT, 1984)

We haven’t seen either yet, and we’re doing it on the level – we’re not going to rig the vote so the BBC Three show loses. We’re not even going to mention how Cannon and Ball had to work their way up to television after years of honing their act and performing in working men’s clubs, whereas Horne and Corden were two actors who had worked together on a popular comedy drama show. So, to round one.

ROUND ONE: INTRODUCTIONS

Horne & Corden:

Corden bounds on, and apologises for the lack of Horne. Midway trough the apologies, Horne announces his arrival from off-camera. The crowd giggles as the camera turns to the delayed Thin One Of The Two. He is revealed to be tied to a bed frame as the crowd whoops with delight.

He hops on stage to encounter a startled Corden, proclaiming how the girl he had ‘been with’ was ‘mad’. Said girl turns out to have been a stalker he’d met on Facebook. He begs Corden to scratch his freshly shaved scrotum as we rapidly re-evaluate our earlier statement about them being suitable for pre-watershed 1980s ITV.

Cannon & Ball:

Tommy Cannon thanks the crowd for their applause, as Bobby conducts the level of applause like an orchestra leader. As Ball proclaims how good it is for a tall and sexy man like him to be there, it is revealed he is actually standing on a box to appear taller than he really is.

Tommy soon notices this, and cheekily milks the situation for all it’s worth, forcing Ball to admit to feelings of inadequacy regarding his height. Tommy orders Bobby to ditch the box, much to the chagrin of his bubble-permed partner. In a fit of pique, Cannon eventually chucks the box off-screen, causing Ball to storm off, only to return in a pair of platform boots. Cannon pretends to see the funny side, and then leads the band into playing the duo’s signature tune. As the pair begin to sing and dance (“laugh me a laugh, grin me a grin”), Ball stumbles and falls in his cumbersome clodhoppers.

As Ball complaints about the unfairness of the situation, Cannon explain the importance of their mismatched physiques to their act. Ball understands this, and apologises. As Cannon smiles in agreement, he begins to introduce the first act (a gospel band, foreshadowing their later act). As he speaks, Ball is raised up in the air, as he is on a wire. Cannon smiles, and walks away, leaving Ball to dangle helplessly in mid-air.

Points: Well, neither gag is going to go down in the annals of entertainment, but both are traditional enough. Cannon and Ball sneak it, purely because they haven’t just stolen a joke from Alas Smith and Jones. Come on Horne and Corden, just because your target demographic weren’t born when Alas Smith & Jones was on air, that doesn’t make it okay. (See here, about two minutes in)

Horne & Corden 0, Cannon & Ball 1.

ROUND TWO:

H&C:

Synchronised swimming, with a team of women, and our favourite two mismatched funsters.

They perform to the tune of Abba’s Waterloo. The four proper swimmers perform impeccably, while Horne and Corden flail about hopelessly. The television commentator meanwhile plays it straight.

C&B:

A New York basketball court. Cannon and Ball strut on in their ‘street gear’. Cannon proclaims they’re going to ‘do’ West Side Story. Cannon takes it seriously, while Ball arses about. We’ve got our first ‘comedy gay’ moment of the night, with Bobby delivering the line “Modern day Romeo & Juliet? If you’re expecting me to climb a wall to kiss you… [camply] I just might do!”.

Cannon explains the concept of the two gangs, and Ball duly misinterprets his comment about a gang of Sharks. Cannon calls on his team of Jets, three burly blokes, who scare Ball so much he leaps into the arms of Cannon. Bobby decides to call up his gang of Sharks. An elderly dishevelled man walks onto the set.

Bobby tries to rapidly become a Jet, before being rebuffed, and grabbed by the scruff of the neck by one of Cannon’s minions. The performers struggles to keep in character for laughing as Ball surveys the damage to his T-shirt. The Jets surround the Sharks, and try to scare them via the medium of interpretive dance. In retaliation, Ball dances around in circles in a comedic fashion. Suddenly, the action really kicks off, as it turns out the elderly dishevelled man is actually a kick-ass fighter, who despatches the three burly Jets with ease.

However, the exertion of battling the Jets takes it out of him, and a weary Ball shoves him gently, causing him to collapse on the ground. Cannon and Ball stroll off the body-strewn set to applause, and into the distance. But, it’s not over – as the set uses forced perspective, they need to crouch as they walk ‘up’ the street.

Points: Two similar skits, both relying on traditional set ups and physical humour. Cannon and Ball’s wheezing old man walking onto the set elicited our first audible snigger from either show, and the forced perspective gag at the end sealed it. The Horne and Corden sketch didn’t really go anywhere after the premise of them being two blokes in an otherwise all-girl swimming team was revealed. Another point for Cannon and Ball.

Horne & Corden 0, Cannon & Ball 2.

ROUND THREE:

H&C:

A mens’ toilet. Horne is standing at a urinal. Corden appears from a cubicle, wearing a large wig, sharp suit, Bluetooth headset and wry smile.

He retreats to his cubicle, flushes it, then runs out and grabs Horne, who is clearly taken aback by his actions as he falls backwards and pisses everywhere.

Corden then shouts “it was me! See ya later!”

Oh dear.

C&B:

Tommy Cannon on stage, about to introduce the next turn. The audience laughs as Bobby Ball walks out, dressed as a Shakespearean king, causing Cannon to join in the laughter.

Cannon pretends to mistake him for the Hunchback of Huddersfield. Bobby proclaims he’s actually here to play Richard III in ‘the Shakespeare sketch’. Tommy Cannon rebukes Ball, revealing this is part of a recurring theme where Ball walks on stage in the wrong costume each week. As Cannon continues to chastise Ball for ruining the show, Ball bursts into tears (“you’ve made me hump wobble! It’s stinging!”). Cannon allows Ball to introduce the commercial break. Ball tries to do this in character, and Cannon gets annoyed.

(Excellently, the rip of Cannon and Ball has the commercials intact. Old Flake ad, one for making your dinner with gas-based 'Cookability', one “they’re tasty, tasty, very very tasty” Bran Flakes ad, Victor Kiam and his razors, Lucozade and Renault cars. Old car adverts are always fun – trying to make a ropey old 1984 model Renault 11 look like it’s suitable for a mid-80s upwardly mobile ABC1? It surely never worked.)

Scores: The Cannon and Ball skit didn’t really go anywhere, but it still trumped Horne and Corden’s urine-based effort. We were quite honestly hoping this was going to be a bit closer, but the match is already over.

Horne & Corden 0, Cannon & Ball 3.

ROUND FOUR:

H&C:

News spoof. This time the Comedy Gay Stereotype is doing a special report on knife crime.

Comedy Gay Stereotype Man tries to get a street gang on side by handing out free packets of Capri-Sun, which is a little bit funny. The sketch ends with CGSM reacting to homophobic taunts from a rival gang by dissing their outfits and questioning their sexuality, and their unwillingness to accept it.

C&B:

A ballroom dancing spoof. “Ladies and gentlemen! Please welcome Tommy Tuppence, a roadsweeper, and Cynthia Hallworthy, a trainee mud-wrestler!” Borderline sexist pratfalls ensue.

Points: With a sketch that finally shows a little bit of invention and our expectations being quietly confounded, Horne and Corden see themselves back into the reckoning. It’s too late to take the win, but can they make it respectable?

Horne & Corden 1, Cannon & Ball 3.

ROUND FIVE:

H&C:

Corden leaves a shop with some bags and a beard. He holds his bag up to the camera and says “I’ve just bought some cord-u-roys” in a funny voice, then he pulls a silly face.

C&B:

Int. Golf club. Day. Tommy is at the bar. Bobby enters, dressed as a fisherman.

Fish-based prop gags ensue. Tommy tricks Bobby into buying a round, much to the amusement of the bruised and battered barman, whose appearance is clearly due to this being another running sketch.

The barman is one of those actors who always used to be in things, but only ever in quite minor roles. You know, like that quite posh woman who always pops up in dramas, who acts quite posh for a bit, but then isn’t seen again. Anyway, Ball pokes him in the eyes and walks off.

At a table, talk turns to the morality of fishing, barmaids with ‘big charlies’, the purpose of life and the class system. The talk gets confused, leading to Ball proclaiming how he “wouldn’t want that from a wooly woofter”. Talk drifts to the differences between the sexes, and how Ball has heard that “oysters are bicycles”. “You mean bisexual,” corrects Cannon. Then they go off and try to tap off with some blonde women at the bar, and that’s the end of the sketch. Groundbreaking stuff, we’re sure you’ll agree.

Points: Neither were very good, but at least Horne and Corden’s non-joke was out of the way in one tenth of the time it took Cannon and Ball.

Final score: Horne & Corden 2, Cannon & Ball 3.

Oh well, better luck next week, Horne and Corden. We’re off to try and track down a torrent of h&p@bbc to measure against next week’s episode, so we’ll leave you with the sixth sketch from this episode of Cannon and Ball. It’s a sketch we were really hoping could be used in the comedy shootout itself, but fate was against us. We’re sure you’ll agree it would have been much better than all the sketches we’ve just sat through.

(Oh, and that YouTube caption is wrong, it was definitely 1984, as we remember a nine-year-old us being delighted upon the original transmission.)

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It's BrokenTV's Magical Music Machine

Now BrokenTV has it's very own radio station. Well, non-collaborative Spotify playlist. Fans of bands beginning with each letter of the alphabet, from Annie, to Biz Markie, to Cake, to Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip, to Earl Brutus, to Francoise Hardy, to Grandmaster Flash, to Helen Love, to Interpol, to Jackson 5, to Kimya Dawson, to Ladyhawke, to M83, to Nancy Sinatra, to OK Go, to Pavement, to Quannum MCs, to Royksopp, to Stereo Total, to t.A.T.u, to Ultravox, to Vive La Fete, to Whale, to X-Ray Spex, to Yelle, to Z-Trip are all catered for. There are currently around 200 tracks on there, but expect more to be added as we uncover them.

Here is the link to it. And here is a link to Spotify, in the unlikely event you haven't already got it.

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Still Not Very Exciting Chart of the Day

The ratings are in for ep two of Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle, so there’s just time to chuck them into the BrokenTV Numbertron, and see how it measures up against the second outing for Horne & Corden’s Half-Arsed Tribute To Smith & Jones (or whatever it’s called):

That’s right, we’ve flipped the axis from last week. Yeah, you’re right to look excited.

 

The Guardian article only lists the average for episode two of SLee’s CV, so we’ve adjusted the number for episode one accordingly. Note how Horne & Corden ‘Do’ Hale & Pace (or whatever it’s called) lost 16.65% of their audience after the disappointing first show, while Stewart Lee’s Twenty Minutes Of Really Good Stand Up Supplemented By Slightly Annoying Sketches That Only Serve To Repeat The Previous Point Without Adding Anything Of Real Value, Apart From The Final Del Day Sketch (or whatever) lost 0% of ep one’s viewers.

What will happen for week three? Will Horne & Corden coax some missing viewers back for episode three now the Beeb have stopped running trailers for it after every single sodding programme? Will Stewart Lee hold onto his million acolytes? Will MediaGuardian keep reporting on the figures for the show after Broadcast and Digital Spy stopped mentioning it? Tune in one week from now to find out. Or alternatively, avoid this website on Tuesdays for the next few weeks, because it’s likely to have charts in it.

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Really?

Ah, good old UKTV and their channel rebrands. In amongst their stupidly named channel relaunches from the past few years (UKTVG2, UKTVG2+1 – quite possibly the ugliest name ever given to a digital channel, Dave, Blighty, Gee Oh Ell Dee), they’ll occasionally chuck in the odd ‘proper’ name (Eden, Yesterday, that’s about it).

 

Just when you thought things were taking a turn for the sane, with the announcement of UKTV Style being relaunched as ‘Home’, they go and mess things up again by coming up with a new name for UKTV Gardens. What’s the kind of name you might expect them to come up with here? Here’s a clue: they’re revamping the content of the channel, so it will now concentrate on being (and try to suppress your gag reflex here) a “zeitgeisty and noisy female brand." Hngh.

So, what would you call this new channel? “Women”? Too obvious. “UKTV Lips, Tits and Shopping”? Don’t be sexist. “Handbag"? You’re not even trying now, are you? Here’s the new logo for it:

 

Really? Ya, really. Pop fact! In most cases, these rebrands are actually done by letting a blind hen peck at a dictionary. However, in this case they’re so desperate to launch the channel on the back of an advertising campaign based heavily on the song ‘Wannabe’ by The Spice Girls, they’ve slammed this identity onto the hapless new channel.

We’ve uncovered a shooting script of the launch advert. And here it is.

 

SCENE 1. INT. A BUSY MODERN OFFICE, WITH LOADS OF GLASS AND CHROME EVERYWHERE, SO THAT WE KNOW IT’S A MODERN OFFICE. DAY.

AN UNNAMED WOMAN IS STRIDING PURPOSEFULLY TOWARD THE CAMERA, WHICH IS MOVING BACKWARDS THROUGH THE BUSTLING OFFICE. SHE IS CLEARLY AN ASPIRATIONAL, BALLSY, MODERN, 21ST CENTURY WOMAN. A PRS-FRIENDLY APPROXIMATION OF ‘WANNABE’ BY THE SPICE GIRLS STRIKES UP IN THE BACKGROUND.

UNNAMED ASPIRATIONAL 21ST CENTURY WOMAN:
I’ll tell you what *I* really want! I want a channel that tells me what *I* want to know about the world! I’m not interested in gardens, or embroidery, or [MAKES SARCASTIC FACE] cooking ‘tea’ for ‘hubby’. I want a channel that is now!

SCENE 2. INT. AN EXPENSIVE LOOKING DEPARTMENT STORE. DAY.

A DIFFERENT UNNAMED WOMAN IS STRIDING PURPOSEFULLY TOWARD ANOTHER CAMERA WHICH IS BACKING AWAY FROM HER. SHE IS CARRYING SEVERAL EXPENSIVE DESIGNER ITEMS. THE BACKING MUSIC CONTINUES.

DIFFERENT UNNAMED ASPIRATIONAL 21ST CENTURY WOMAN WITH SHOPPING:
I’ll tell you what *I* really want! I want a channel that can fit into *my* lifestyle. A channel that tells me what *I* should be wearing, and why I shouldn’t ever be seen in public unless my entire body image conforms to the expectations of whichever glossy magazine journalist they’ve roped in to front a six-part series on fashion. I want a channel that is all about me!

SCENE 3. EXT. THE SIDE OF A SWIMMING POOL AT A VERY EXCLUSIVE LOOKING HOLIDAY RESORT. DAY.

A THIRD UNNAMED WOMAN IS STIDING PURPOSEFULLY TOWARD THE CAMERA AGAIN. YOU GET THE IDEA. SHE IS IN A SWIMMING COSTUME

THIRD UNNAMED ASPIRATIONAL 21ST CENTURY WOMAN:
I’ll tell you what *I* really want! I want a channel that tells me which prohibitively expensive health spas I should be visiting. All of the commercials in the ad breaks are for personal injury lawyers, and quite coincidentally, I’m expecting a great big payout very soon. From, erm, somewhere. Ouch, my neck. [WINKS AT CAMERA] I want a channel that does what I want it to!

SCENE 4. INT. UKTV CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS. DAY.

THE THREE UNNAMED WOMEN ARE STRIDING PURPOSELY TOGETHER.

FIRST UNNAMED ASPIRATIONAL 21ST CENTURY WOMAN:
But where could we hope to find all those things on one channel? [LAUGHS] After all, the current output on the digital cosmo-plex certainly doesn’t cater for *my* needs!

SECOND UNNAMED ASPIRATIONAL 21ST CENTURY WOMAN, STILL WITH SHOPPING:
[CHUCKLES IN AGREEMENT] Yes. The current offerings for Aspirational Twenty-First Century Women like us are nowhere near zeitgeisty enough for my liking!

THIRD UNNAMED ASPIRATIONAL 21ST CENTURY WOMAN, IMPLAUSIBLY STILL IN SWIMMING COSTUME:
[SHOUTING] And the current brands just aren’t noisy enough!

THE WOMEN AND THE CAMERA SUDDENLY STOP IN THEIR TRACKS, AS THEY ARE SUDDENLY CONFRONTED BY TV’S PAUL ROSS. HE IS CARRYING A CLIPBOARD WITH THE BRAVE AND GUTSY ‘REALLY’ BRAND IDENTITY ON IT.

TV’S PAUL ROSS:
Pout no longer, ladies! UKTV have a channel designed especially for modern aspirational ladies. Ladies like you!

TV’S PAUL ROSS HANDS OUT LEAFLETS TO THE WOMEN

FIRST UNNAMED ASPIRATIONAL 21ST CENTURY WOMAN:
Wow! Repeats of BBC Three’s ‘Baby Borrowers’! That’s what I really, really want!

SECOND UNNAMED ASPIRATIONAL 21ST CENTURY WOMAN:
Gosh! Repeats of BBC Two’s ‘Mary, Queen Of Shopping’! That’s what I really, really want!

THIRD UNNAMED ASPIRATIONAL 21ST CENTURY WOMAN:
Hurrah! A brand new series of ’Spa Of Embarrassing Illnesses’! That’s what I really, really want!

THE THREE WOMEN CONTINUE TO COO OVER THE CORPORATE LITERATURE AS TV’S PAUL ROSS TURNS TO ADDRESS THE CAMERA

TV’S PAUL ROSS:
That’s right, coming soon to Sky Digital channel 248 and Virgin Media channel 267, REALLY: Television That You Really, Really Want.

THE MUSIC SWELLS TO A DRAMATIC CONCLUSION AS A CAPTION CONFIRMING THE CHANNEL’S EPG POSITIONING APPEARS. AS THE SCREEN FADES TO BLACK, THE VIEWER CAN JUST ABOUT MAKE OUT THE SHOULDERS OF TV’S PAUL ROSS DROOP, AS HE BEGINS TO EMIT A MOURNFUL SIGH. WHY ISN’T HE ON PROPER TELLY ANY MORE, HE SEEMS TO BE THINKING. EVEN DOING QUIZ CALL ON FIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WOULD BE SOMETHING. OR A NEW CHANNEL FOUR TOP HUNDRED RUNDOWN COULD ASK FOR HIS THEME-TUNE HUMMING TALENTS. ANYTHING. ANYTHING BUT THIS. MAYBE BOOZE COULD NUMB THE PAIN. BOOZE AND PILLS. BOOZE AND PILLS MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.

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At Last, A Worthy (if lo-budget) Successor To The Friday Night Armistice

Remember when we posted up The Daily Show's Jim Cramer interview as our TV Moment Of 2009 Already? Well, we've just watched a close runner-up.

Excellent. And not only is the clip in question making a tremendously valid point, as well as providing us with a sense of having scored a vicarious victory over The Man while we're sat in front of the telly scoffing Maryland Cookies, but News Wipe addresses one of our long-standing gripes. For several years, there have been uninspired satirical news shows popping up in the TV schedules over here, all looking for a slice of UK-centric Daily Show pie. We won't list them for the umpteenth time here, but nonetheless it's nice to be indirectly accused of killing off the most recent example. One of the main problems has been a concentration on uninspired "New Labour? Poo Lie-Bore, more like!" rhetoric, utterly missing the point of what makes The Daily Show the success it is. We can't post up YouTube links to illustrate the point, because Viacom are dicks, so we'll point out in text that a great deal of Jon Stewart's finest moments are where he deftly prods the news media in the rump with his satirical pitchfork.

Not, you'll note, the news itself, but the hamfisted "and now, a quick summary of the aspects of this story you should be angry about" reporting of it by the US permanews networks. Given the way 'our' TV news has degenerated over the last howevermany years ("and now on The BBC News Channel, a report on The Apprentice, and why you should be watching it tonight at 9pm on BBC One"), this is more than overdue, but little has been done in this regard. Quite why, save for the odd sniggersome aside on Have I Got News For You (before it moved onto chuckling at YouTube clips instead), we're not quite sure. Maybe Jason Manford secretly harboured ambitions to anchor Newsnight later in his career, and didn't want to rub people up the wrong way, we're not sure. But now News Wipe is here, delivering TDS-standard reports such as the above, or the piece by Nick Davies (author of the phenomenally good "Flat Earth News") on the NatWest Three. Best of all, and this is the important bit, News Wipe isn't actively trying to 'be' a British version of The Daily Show. It's doing it's own thing, and this is to be applauded. If you're being picky, it's doing ScreenWipe's 'thing', only about news, but y'know, shut up.

With any luck, commissioning editors all over the land won't make the mistake Gavin Estler does in the YouTube box just a few paragraphs up from here, going "erm... ah... but... you see..," carrying on with things the same way they've always done, and then pitching Paddy McGuinness' News Fart to Channel Four. Fingers crossed, anyway.

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